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April 25th, 2001


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03:43 pm - we'll all dance the hora..
time to write this shit down, eh? heron. heron heron heron. she is UNBELIEVABLY cute, and sh'es smart, and nice, and just... good. and it fucking sucks. i don't like having to avoid someone, but there's really no way around it. i'm not going through that shit again, after i've gotten past lauri. if i'm around her, i can't think of anythign else. and it's depressing as all fuck. J certainly doesn't help but it's not as if i was doing any better with her before him. i don't know... i really don't know if it's just me or what. i feel so ignored by her sometimes, like i barely register. at biggie's, when she was up over xmas break.. now she'd already said she'd tell me about nyc in person.. so fine, we're in person, i ask, she says something about the empire state building, which she already said online.. ok, i ask a question, keep the conversation going - gotta respond to stuff, after all.. whatever - she answers.. then says somethign to J and goes to look at a car. and that was the end of that. somehow i suspect she did more than that. and in fact, know she did from her telling OTHER people about it. fine. maybe it's one of those i'm trying too hard things.. lauri and john both started getting latched on only when i stopped going back, basically.. but then look at all the people who just disapeared the same way. so that's not it. i dunno. online, she's fine, we have lovely convesrations. one on one, she's fine also. if other people are around, it's like she talks to me as little as possible. the occasional comment, she'll answer somthing i direct at her.. then scurry off to biggie or smitty or whatever. right. am i that irritating? i dunno.. i'm all up and down this year about everything.. maybe i don't suck, oh wait i do, well maybe not.. whatever. yeah i guess it's better than i was, but god it's fucking annoying. sometimes i'd rather be like i was, at least then i was sure. and god she gave me such a runaround.. even lauri thought it seemed like she liked me.. tho she thought hte same of beth - not that i ever did find out what was up with her, she stopped making sense to me at some point, kinda like lyzi (no wait, like EVERYONE).. i fiiiinally manage to ask her out. oh, she's "currently enjoying being single and dateless" end of discussion. what hte fuck is that?? where do i put that? yes? no? maybe? later? go away? ask again? shit shit shit. and then J swept in anyway, so it doesn't really matter. until something ridiculous happens to them and i probably do the same damn thing again, cuz i'm like that. crappy. i'm sick of watching everyone i like go off with everyone else. its' one thing if it's some random guy. a) i don't feel so bad hating him b) they won't constantly be around, happily together. all that shit. i don't need to see this. christ. there's more i could say, but i'im done now. fuck it.
state: lonelylonely
np: Faith No More - Everything's Ruined

(en garde!)


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