July 19th, 2001

angry face

hollowed out

i dunno, man, i've just felt weird all day..

i think sometimes it's worse than being sad. of course, when i'm sad, i won't agree. but what the hell do i know, i'm just feeling it. i need someone to tell me what i'm thinking.

this entry needs a swear in it, i think. fuck. there we go.

[i didn't want to use my angry face pic, but it's the most appropriate of the 3. this is one of those posts that i'd use no pic for, if that were an option. i don't even feel awake now, maybe i'm dreaming. but i don't think so, my dreams are usually more interesting than this. i'm going to bed now anyway (i wrote this part of the entry last, cuz i just chose the pic. the rest is in order). maybe i'll wake up somewhere else, that would be something]

i need a maid. my room's a pit and looking at it depresses me, but i'm sure as hell not going to do anything about it. of course, even a maid wouldn't do any good, cuz i woudln't be happy with where she put all my stuff and i'd have to supervise everything and be a pest and what the hell anyway, right? may as well do it myself. except i won't. i need a cheap maid for motivational purposes, i'll give her a dollar to go away and let me do it right. i probably still won't though.

i hope abacus calls soon, i'll feel better when i'm working. and i hope they don't suck too much now, but at least it'll be better than telereach.
there's a movie where, every time this particualr thing is mentioned, everyone makes a weird configuration with thier hands and spits to show thier deep disgust with said particular thing. i can't remember what the movie is though? maybe it's a tv show or a book or something, even, i dunno. and i can't remember the thing either.

speaking of movies, matinee was on today. i remember loving that movie when it came out, and it was cute n all today, but not real impressive. it does what it's supposed to, i guess, but i've outgrown it. judge dredd was on today too (much later), that coulda been a great movie but instead it became demolition man without the sense of humor. of course, demolition man sucked too, but i still like it. they get fined for swearing! it's like the fcc following everyone around, wonderful.

what the hell am i talking about? no one cares about random movies taht were on tv today. i certainly don't.

i should just go to bed, but i feel like i need to say something important and profound in here. i am neither deep nor profound, and if i ever pretend to be, it's a lie.

at jake's house tonight - tony and smitty are on the porch, smoking. jenny's disapeared to i don't know where. i'm in the livingroom, looking for something on tv. it feels weird being alone in my friend's house with people around. i go out onto the porch, pause for just a second in the doorway looking at tony and smitty. i'd planned to just talk to them for a minute until they came in (they were waiting for the potato skins to finish cooking), but suddenly i was convinced they were in the middle of some personal conversation i had no business interrupting, so what i did was continue walking straight across the porch, down the steps, and towards my car, saying to them as i pass that i'm heading out. they're surprised, but they say bye. as i'm walking off, i can hear one of them - i think smitty - say "that was random."
it was one of those things where even while i'm doing it i'm thinking why the hell did i do that? i wasn't planning to leave. but i can't just turn around and go back in cuz then i look even more insane. i still don't know why i left.

i don't know why i do a lot of things. i'm becoming a hermit, eventually i'll stop existing entirely. it made sense a moment ago.

goodnight, moon.
  • Current Music
    Live at Pinkpop - 14 - Nobody Knows