March 27th, 2002

victory!

jbonesf

first off, thanks to everyone who's commented with sympathy and support, i do appreciate it. i didnt respond to anyone, not knowing what to say, so i'm saying it now. thank you

i'm okay, i suppose. jack died wednesday morning, i found out friday morning. so on top of it all, i felt like i'd been having fun while this was all going on and i had no idea. i was kindof in shock then.. lay on mel's bed and just stared at the sheet, cuz it was in front of my face. she comforted me as best she could.. teh bus home felt so very long. i just thought and thought the whole way
the next day was the wake. that was hard.. and odd. this was barely over 2 days after i'd first found out, and after spending a day with nothing but sitting and thinking and waiting. i was almost numb - there was this opressive sadness everywhere that i couldn't recognize. and it didn't - still doesn't, really - feel permanent. it's like when i first heard he got sick, i was upset, yeah, but i figured i'd see him up and walking around again sooner or later. that's always my first reaction to something, if i'm not directly involved.. it'll be fine, things will work out. this isn't going to work out. there were these cards they gave out with a poem/prayer thing on the back..
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God keep you in the hallow of his hand.
someone sang that at the funeral actually. apparently it's irish. but first reading that card was the closest i came to crying thru this whole thing [1]. i was standing there, staring at the card and shaking. i carried that for probably 2 hours before i put it in my pocket, wringing it the whole time. the writing was barely identifiable by then, it'd all been worn away, so i got another one, and they both went in my pocket. later i crushed a plastic cup in my hand without meaning to. i guess i had a lot of energy that was going out thru my hands
at the same time as all that, i noticed somethign that bothered me. ti's not the first time i've felt this way actually. but what it was, was that at the same time as all that, there was a big part of my brain still chugging along normal. random thoughts and stupid jokes and alot of bullshit. constantly i'd see something or hear somethign someone said and something silly would pop into my head and i'd feel like an asshole. and the thing is - that's the part of my brain that controls 90% of how i act. i've gotten used to being my normal joking goofball no matter what mood i'm really in [2], and that was what was coming thru. not to say i wouldve been dancing around, but you couldve watched and thought i was in a fine mood. this seemed horribly wrong, so i copped a sad mood. basically, i had to act the way i thought i should be, because the way i would naturally act is an act. as i said tho, that was like 90%, i did have some genuine responses in how i acted, but they were small. i think what threw me off is my actual depression decided to leave me alone for awhile, which was nice of it, but i'm not used to being genuinely sad without being irrationally sad.
the wake was open casket. he looked so gaunt, and like he was made of clay. that scared me. it looked like a jack mannequin. like some damn mannequin
it was unbelievabe how many people came. so many people from our class at central. i said at one point, "this is the worst high school reunion ever." and it just seemed like everyone in nh was there. there was a line literally around the block (and then some) for hours. he knew everyone and everyone loved him.
a bunch of us went to smitty's that night. we all sat around and talked and reminisced and told stories, about jack and how he'd affected people (then later it got to being about each other and everyone. it's funny, some of my favorite memories are of being with my friends talking about our childhood memories). it all really helped, i felt immeasurably better from that, and it's lasted. i'm still sad of course, but it's.. reasonable? something. it's an emotion. jack always enjoyed life and made sure everyone else did, that's what i took from our talk more than anything.
it's amazing how much my friends can all cheer each other up. i swear, if you injected us with ebola and left us on a desert island somewhere to die horribly, we'd be laughing hysterically in 5 minutes. and it's not from trying to ignore our problems, it's genuine (i'm using that word alot tonight, i see)
i don't have alot to say about the funeral. people gave really nice speeches, auger read a beautiful poem which i quickly forgot so i'll have to ask him what it was again. i didn't like the priest's speech at all, it felt to me like he was phoning it in. at the cemetary, there was a big crowd and we were all ushered away so the family could have some privacy, so i never actualy saw the grave. i have to visit. i would want to anyway.
so anyway, for anyone who was wondering, i don't feel so horrble since sunday night. i'll be ok. and - i don't have any particular beliefs about it, but i do believe jack is somewhere, happy as he always was
am i coldblooded for not being more upset by it than i am, not even a week after i found out? i feel like everything's too ordinary

[1] i haven't truly cried in maybe 12 years now. i dont' know why, i wish i could. i get close, and just clench up uncontrollably. it's horrible.
[2] quick quiz of how dan is feeling. if i'm in a good mood, i act good. if i'm in a bad mood, i act good.

here is another union leader article, from a friends pov
there is also this editorial where they use him in their longrunning fight against anything democrat. i do agree with the point, but what a shitty way to make it

Collapse )
  • Current Music
    nick drake - clothes of sand
victory!

let's get fluffy

jamie, i saw this and immediatley thought of you. everyone else look too tho, cuz it's rawk

You are Civilian Calvin!
You don't get to travel much outside your neighborhood, but you still manage to get in plenty of trouble. When you're not acting up, you like to wax philosophical.
Take the What Calvin are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com!


i was trying to remember the name of this song for the longest time, and now i finally have, and i can't remember what i wanted to remember it for
sublime - we're only gonna die for our arrogance

after the longest time of having only 2 gwenmars mp3s and loving them mightily, i finally got a ton more. turns out "neon tom" is like most of their stuff and "she hung the moon" is the exception, which is a shame as i love that song more. but nonetheless, they rule and it's good boppity rock whcih i can't think to compare to anything but they're awesome dammit
and i got some more silverman as i also only had 2 of their excellent songs, haven't listened to any of the new ones yet tho.
  • Current Music
    Skatistics - In the Park (DEMO)