August 10th, 2002


according to newsweek, the idea of heaven is as neccesary to people's lives as love

ya know how i use the word ridiculous all the time? i went for YEARS thinking it was spelled rediculous, and no one ever bothered to correct me. after i discoverd the error, i asked and was told they (specifically, the denizens of a.f.d_b) figured i was doing it on purpose. if there's anything they excelled it, it was pointless spelling/grammar flames. and when i needed them, they let me down! astounding. rediculous, even.

in other news, i wrote about 3 pages last night at work. handwritten, so 1 1/2 typed assuming my handwriting hasnt grown terribly since highschool. it's nothing particularly amazing, but i'm happy because it actually has a PLOT, which my writings have not featured lately. so we'll see, i'll stick it in verbalkint when i finish it. it's based on an idea i'd had awhle ago, and was going to write a really short silly story on. but every time i tried, i coudlnt get anything to come of it. now i'm expanding it quite a bit and playing it with a straight face. we'll see. also i started reading the illuminatus! trilogy the other day. straaange so far. and 800 pgs to go! yay! not something i shouldve started at teh end of the summer, but whatev

tuesday i went down with ashootingstar to tanner city fencing club, in peabody mass. fun! it's always so cool to get back to fencing after i havent for awhile (even if my slovenly summer ways have robbed me of all my strength). there was an OLYMPIC FENCER there. he destroyed us all, of course, but was just soo fun. i did get 2 touches on him! and i woulda had 3 if i didnt always retreat after an attack misses. bad habit! .. i can only compare his style to fighting a giant blender. blade swinging around everywhere, it was crazy. he was a really cool guy too

wednesday night was sara's birthday/going away to college party. hanging around with a bunch of people you were sortof acquiantences with a couple years ago is weird. and danielle, who seems to outright hate me now for no reason i'm aware of. it was fun tho.. at some point we all ended up in a big circle around a fire, trying to tell the most offensive evil jokes we could think of. then just talking for awhile. it was a good night. sara was sad all night tho. beyond being hopped up on drugs (she'd had her wisdom teeth out), i'm not sure what was going on with her. i hope everything's good

and a general observation: if i was half as silly and random with other people as i am talking to myself when i'm bored, i would either be the most charming guy ever and universally loved, or be locked in a basement somewhere as a danger to myself and others. when i'm not depressed, i am damn good company to myself. on a more serious point tho, the more aware i am of my thoughts the more i become aware that in some ways i am a very biased person. i've been thinking how to explain it, and can't figure it out. it's not that i treat people differently, or have an inclination to, or that i think of groups of people as being a certain way. i don't know how to describe it. so i suppose this is more of a confession than a conversation.

tho speaking of which, i've noticed that people don't respond to points i raise anymore. i used to have fun discussions in here but now no one has anything to say when i bring something up

i was congratuled on being an agnostic today by a guy who, moments earlier, had tried to explain how him not stealing 2 bucks from cumbys was proof that the christian heaven makes more sense than the muslim heaven and is condusive to honesty. we only talked for a few minutes but i wish he'd hung around awhile longer, he seemed like someone i would like to have a good conversation with. also, he looked like the old guy from jurassic park
  • Current Music
    Billy Joel - River Of Dreams - - The River Of Dreams

i am quixotic in the worst possible sense. i attempt things only once they become impossible.

i am an illogical asshole. mainly to myself, but eventually it either washes over to other people or i get miserable for awhile. fuck.

this journal is fucking stupid. maybe i'll start making everything private and exclude you all. i didn't start this to find another way to chat with people. but private posts are stupid and private journals are stupid and being nice is stupid and being vague is stupid and being nonconfrontational is stupid and i wish i had someone to talk to.

it's not you, it's me.

"a friend likes someone who i might possibly have liked in the future" is quite possibly the stupidest reason ever to be depressed. it's funny how often it gets me though
  • Current Music
    kicked in the head - Cannonball