November 30th, 2004

tear

love me, love me sweet cowardice

so i was writing a nice little post about my nice little day, when i wrote this paragraph too. i will finish the rest of it up tomorrow i guess, if i care, but here is this, cuz this is the only part that actually mattered:

alex also put the fear of god into me. only instead of god, it was of law school. he seems to be under the entirely correct impression that i dont know what i'm getting myself into. which i kinda knew, but not for reals until he was talking about it. apparently he is close personal friends with half of texas' stock of lawyers somehow. but yeah, so now i need to give law some research or clerking or interning or whatever the hell i'm supposed to do to find out what it's like. or i could just shriek and run away, which i kindof want to do right now. but shit, then what? half the appeal of this plan was that it was a fucking plan. i don't know what ot do with myself. i mean, yeah i know nobody knows what they want to be when they grow up, my dad says he still doesnt know what he wants to be when he grows up, but while he's waiting to figure it out he went and got a career that he likes. and fuck, there's nothing i even want to do short-term. i jumped on this because it was somethjing, and if i decide maybe it wasnt a great idea after all, like i seem to do with all my brilliant plans, then what the fuck is there for me? i could keep working at the newington mall, i could go to ny and fetch coffee and donuts at a publishing house, i could get some stupid job doing stupid things i hate. but shit, i need to pay rent and buy food. i've survived the universe so far by coasting and now there's nothing left to coast, i have to actually steer somewhere and i don't know where to go. i know it doesnt really matter what i choose in the long run, i can chnge my mind and start over, i just have to choose something, whatever, but there's nothing i even want to tentatively investigate that isn't just stupid. what do i do? i'm honestly scared right now, sitting here typing this, scared. i've gotten this far on the blind assumption that life seems to occur whether we expect it to or not, and that i would stumble into something or discover something or be led to something because that's how it always seemed to work for all the adults i know. things happen. but shit, if i'm not hit by a bus tomorrow with a sign on it for a great job, i need to start actively DOing something. SOMETHING.

and now i will go to bed and hopefully not still be having a breakdown in the morning. when i get up at 9am for my stupid mall job.
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