April 18th, 2005

messy monkey

this is all i can think lately

if you are not deliriously hopeful, change direction. it doesn't matter what your destination is, because you probably won't ever make it, so take the scenic route and fuckin enjoy the sights and the anticipation.

i've always taken the safe/easy route. that's how i ended up, a year after graduating college with a LA degree, living 10 minutes from campus and an hour from where i was born. i had nothing particular to reach for or go after, so i stayed put. easy peazy. i don't really have any goals right now, which is troubling, because this is when i'm supposed to be pursuing them, near as i can tell. what do i want?
i don't want a job. not in the "i haven't found anything i really really want to do yet" sense, or even in the "i want money for nothing because i'm lazy" sense, although both of those are also true. i just don't want a job. jobs are stupid. i don't need a lot of money, really. i spend when i have, because i am not capable of saving, but i do fine when i don't have. i eat a lot of lentils and pasta, a lot of pb+j, i'm fine. i don't need a house. i probably will when i have 3.17 kids, but in the meantime i have no use for space. i'm not sure i even need an apartment. i have so much stuff, and i like my stuff, but i could toss most of it and not notice. i don't read 90% of my books, i don't listen to 90% of my cds, i don't watch 90% of my movies. i could throw what i want to keep in my car, bring the rest to goodwill, and just go. go somewhere. and i really really want to.

so what do i want? fulfillment. satisfaction. happiness. contentment. mega ecstacy bliss.

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