December 3rd, 2006

messy monkey

petrarch ruined it for everyone

i had a conversation with lauri today, which i will glibly summarize as: she is too cynical and i am too naive. but the part i want to talk about is something she said that i have thought about before -- that i treat people differently when i like them romantically. say i am friends with some nice lady, and say i develop a crush on her. i will suddenly be much nicer and more attentive. then i get over her and things go back to normal. which i suppose as manipulation goes isn't terrible, and i think fairly normal, but it is disingenuous, which bothers me. and from the other person's perspective, it is probably confusing and/or annoying.
so why not just stop? i have tried to stop my passive aggressive tendencies, with i think good success overall. but the problem here is i can't feel when i'm doing it. it's not as if i suddenly think okay, time to seduce her through kindness! (which, i will also note, does not seem to work), i'm just acting how i feel i should, in the same way that i assume regulates how i act to everyone else in the world. it's genuine (which maybe means it isn't so disingenuous, just a change in feeling? i'm not sure). how often do you give any conscious thought to 'how nice should i be to this person?' so even when i know i'm doing it, what should i do instead? be a little meaner? i can't tell how i 'should' be acting, or how close to someone i 'would' feel, so i couldn't make the adjustment if i wanted to. which, honestly, i'm not sure i do.

on an i suppose related tack, there's not much worse than someone you love crying.

[i tried putting this link in the music thing, but that didn't work properly. so you should all go listen to this song]
  • Current Music
    david & the citizens - until the sadness is gone - 11 - as you fall (i watch with love)