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March 27th, 2002

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04:41 am - jbonesf
first off, thanks to everyone who's commented with sympathy and support, i do appreciate it. i didnt respond to anyone, not knowing what to say, so i'm saying it now. thank you

i'm okay, i suppose. jack died wednesday morning, i found out friday morning. so on top of it all, i felt like i'd been having fun while this was all going on and i had no idea. i was kindof in shock then.. lay on mel's bed and just stared at the sheet, cuz it was in front of my face. she comforted me as best she could.. teh bus home felt so very long. i just thought and thought the whole way
the next day was the wake. that was hard.. and odd. this was barely over 2 days after i'd first found out, and after spending a day with nothing but sitting and thinking and waiting. i was almost numb - there was this opressive sadness everywhere that i couldn't recognize. and it didn't - still doesn't, really - feel permanent. it's like when i first heard he got sick, i was upset, yeah, but i figured i'd see him up and walking around again sooner or later. that's always my first reaction to something, if i'm not directly involved.. it'll be fine, things will work out. this isn't going to work out. there were these cards they gave out with a poem/prayer thing on the back..
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God keep you in the hallow of his hand.
someone sang that at the funeral actually. apparently it's irish. but first reading that card was the closest i came to crying thru this whole thing [1]. i was standing there, staring at the card and shaking. i carried that for probably 2 hours before i put it in my pocket, wringing it the whole time. the writing was barely identifiable by then, it'd all been worn away, so i got another one, and they both went in my pocket. later i crushed a plastic cup in my hand without meaning to. i guess i had a lot of energy that was going out thru my hands
at the same time as all that, i noticed somethign that bothered me. ti's not the first time i've felt this way actually. but what it was, was that at the same time as all that, there was a big part of my brain still chugging along normal. random thoughts and stupid jokes and alot of bullshit. constantly i'd see something or hear somethign someone said and something silly would pop into my head and i'd feel like an asshole. and the thing is - that's the part of my brain that controls 90% of how i act. i've gotten used to being my normal joking goofball no matter what mood i'm really in [2], and that was what was coming thru. not to say i wouldve been dancing around, but you couldve watched and thought i was in a fine mood. this seemed horribly wrong, so i copped a sad mood. basically, i had to act the way i thought i should be, because the way i would naturally act is an act. as i said tho, that was like 90%, i did have some genuine responses in how i acted, but they were small. i think what threw me off is my actual depression decided to leave me alone for awhile, which was nice of it, but i'm not used to being genuinely sad without being irrationally sad.
the wake was open casket. he looked so gaunt, and like he was made of clay. that scared me. it looked like a jack mannequin. like some damn mannequin
it was unbelievabe how many people came. so many people from our class at central. i said at one point, "this is the worst high school reunion ever." and it just seemed like everyone in nh was there. there was a line literally around the block (and then some) for hours. he knew everyone and everyone loved him.
a bunch of us went to smitty's that night. we all sat around and talked and reminisced and told stories, about jack and how he'd affected people (then later it got to being about each other and everyone. it's funny, some of my favorite memories are of being with my friends talking about our childhood memories). it all really helped, i felt immeasurably better from that, and it's lasted. i'm still sad of course, but it's.. reasonable? something. it's an emotion. jack always enjoyed life and made sure everyone else did, that's what i took from our talk more than anything.
it's amazing how much my friends can all cheer each other up. i swear, if you injected us with ebola and left us on a desert island somewhere to die horribly, we'd be laughing hysterically in 5 minutes. and it's not from trying to ignore our problems, it's genuine (i'm using that word alot tonight, i see)
i don't have alot to say about the funeral. people gave really nice speeches, auger read a beautiful poem which i quickly forgot so i'll have to ask him what it was again. i didn't like the priest's speech at all, it felt to me like he was phoning it in. at the cemetary, there was a big crowd and we were all ushered away so the family could have some privacy, so i never actualy saw the grave. i have to visit. i would want to anyway.
so anyway, for anyone who was wondering, i don't feel so horrble since sunday night. i'll be ok. and - i don't have any particular beliefs about it, but i do believe jack is somewhere, happy as he always was
am i coldblooded for not being more upset by it than i am, not even a week after i found out? i feel like everything's too ordinary

[1] i haven't truly cried in maybe 12 years now. i dont' know why, i wish i could. i get close, and just clench up uncontrollably. it's horrible.
[2] quick quiz of how dan is feeling. if i'm in a good mood, i act good. if i'm in a bad mood, i act good.

here is another union leader article, from a friends pov
there is also this editorial where they use him in their longrunning fight against anything democrat. i do agree with the point, but what a shitty way to make it

Readying to bury your father and your mother,
what did you think when you lost another?
I used to wonder why did you bother,
distanced from one, blind to the other?

Listen here my sister and my brother
what would you care if you lost the other?
I always wonder why did we bother,
distanced from one, deaf to the other.

Oh, oh, but sweetness follows

It's these little things, they can pull you under.
Live your life filled with joy and wonder.
I always knew this altogether thunder
was lost in our little lives.

Oh, oh, but sweetness follows.
Oh, oh, but sweetness follows.

It's these little things, they can pull you under.
Live your life filled with joy and thunder.
Yeah, yeah we were altogether
lost in our little lives.

Oh. Oh. Ah.

Oh, oh, but sweetness follows.
Oh, oh, but sweetness follows.

--rem, sweetness follows
np: nick drake - clothes of sand

(7 shots upside the head | en garde!)


[User Picture]
Date:March 27th, 2002 08:17 am (UTC)
i love that song. it is in the car. i shall listen on the way to school.

um, i may comment more later, but i've just realized i'm late for that school thing..
[User Picture]
Date:March 27th, 2002 09:32 am (UTC)
Honey he would have wanted you to have fun. *hugs*
Date:March 27th, 2002 10:00 am (UTC)
The Irish Blessing! We sang that in choir in high school. they sing it every spring. I have it on tape. Call me and I'll play it for you
[User Picture]
Date:March 27th, 2002 05:16 pm (UTC)
your feelings are your feelings.. you don't have to justify, clarify, or certify them for anyone. when my mother-in-law passed away we had just come from the church to the funeral garden to scatter her ashes and we were standing in the foyer of the funeral home. i saw all the display headstones there and i quietly said to my sister-in-law "i wonder if those are repo's from people who didn't pay their bill". it was totally inappropriate but that's how i am... and i don't make excuses for it. just accept it and don't worry that you're feelings aren't "correct" by someone else's standards.
[User Picture]
Date:March 29th, 2002 12:27 pm (UTC)
not someone else's standards. maybe i dint explain right.. they werent right by my standards
[User Picture]
Date:March 29th, 2002 01:05 pm (UTC)


well that makes a difference... it's more important that you live up to your own standards than someone else's. but don't be too hard on yourself. grief affects people in different ways.
[User Picture]
Date:March 28th, 2002 12:16 am (UTC)
I know what you mean about the outside not necessarily matching the inside. I don't think it is the same with me, though... I feel I am showing everything I am feeling, but usually only subtly. I am pretty good at reading people though, and on some level I just assume that everyone else is as good.

Along with what Wendy said though, my reactions to funerals and death are never appropriate. I have laughed at every single funeral I have been to since hitting puberty. I laugh, thinking about all the witty things the person said to me, or what fun I had with them, or whatever. Sure, it is good to remember good things about them, but laughing out loud intrudes on other folks' grief. I guess. Or at least they think I am an ass. Sometimes I am being an ass, though, the cynical side of me laughing at the pomposity of others, or things like that...


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