September 22nd, 2002
ijustwanamakeout (3:03:21 AM): so how has the year been?
King Nixon (3:05:08 AM): mostly i am
King Nixon (3:05:15 AM): i am having a good time
King Nixon (3:05:21 AM): but there are some peopl ei miss os much
King Nixon (3:05:26 AM): i'm so lonely a lot
ijustwanamakeout (3:05:59 AM): who do you miss?
King Nixon (3:06:23 AM): freinds
King Nixon (3:06:26 AM): people ive lost touch with
King Nixon (3:06:37 AM): i get attached to people too easily i think
ijustwanamakeout (3:06:51 AM): eh i wouldn't know
King Nixon (3:06:56 AM): why
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:05 AM): the vibe i get from you is a steady blah about people
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:12 AM): you woldn't care or not whether yo usaw them or not
King Nixon (3:07:12 AM): really?
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:15 AM): you just like company
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:17 AM): yeah
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:19 AM): thats my vibe
King Nixon (3:07:26 AM): o man
King Nixon (3:07:27 AM): not at all
King Nixon (3:07:34 AM): i'm so defensive. i hide myself totally
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:36 AM): ah
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:38 AM): ok
ijustwanamakeout (3:07:42 AM): wel thats what i get i guess.
King Nixon (3:07:51 AM): o no
King Nixon (3:07:54 AM): i dont wnat ot be projecting that
King Nixon (3:08:07 AM): that i dont care
King Nixon (3:08:08 AM): fuck
ijustwanamakeout (3:08:16 AM): oh dont get all pissy
ijustwanamakeout (3:08:19 AM): its not that you dont care
ijustwanamakeout (3:08:25 AM): you're just like whatevs
ijustwanamakeout (3:08:28 AM): there is a difference
King Nixon (3:08:37 AM): i'm not pissy. i'm honest
King Nixon (3:08:51 AM): i'm NOT whatevs. thats the thing. i just dont act the way i feel. ever
ijustwanamakeout (3:08:56 AM): you take too much of what people say to you into consideration.
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:02 AM): you know yourself and you know how yo uact
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:06 AM): if you feel you act just fine, then you do
King Nixon (3:09:06 AM): i dont know how i act
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:09 AM): yeah you do.
King Nixon (3:09:09 AM): i ahve no idea how i seem to peopel
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:13 AM): everyone does.
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:18 AM): just be honest with youself
King Nixon (3:09:32 AM): i try but i cant tell if i am
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:38 AM): yeah
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:45 AM): you are very reserved with people
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:51 AM): like you seem afraid to jump into conversatoins
ijustwanamakeout (3:09:57 AM): or afraid to like let loose or something.
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:03 AM): i can see you when you arei n groups of people
King Nixon (3:10:05 AM): im terrifed of everyone
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:14 AM): you listen to the conversatoin, looking for a place to stick yourself in
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:23 AM): you think too much, you dont just let yourself go.
King Nixon (3:10:31 AM): i knowww
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:35 AM): so dont do it
King Nixon (3:10:36 AM): but id ont know what to do about it
King Nixon (3:10:39 AM): I CANT NOT DO IT
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:40 AM): you are too afraid of what people think of you.
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:43 AM): thats why you do it
King Nixon (3:10:45 AM): yes
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:47 AM): but think of it this way
ijustwanamakeout (3:10:57 AM): if people dont like who you are, they aren't worth it to hang ou with anywa
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:05 AM): they are of no value to you, since you do not get along with them
King Nixon (3:11:09 AM): ive heard all the aphorisms
King Nixon (3:11:10 AM): it doesnt matter
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:11 AM): so just be yourself, if they like you, then great, if not
King Nixon (3:11:12 AM): its in my head
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:13 AM): then fuckit
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:15 AM): i guess
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:19 AM): but i'd rather live my life that wa
King Nixon (3:11:25 AM): i want to
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:26 AM): being myself, and have people know me for me, and like me for me
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:33 AM): than have people like me and know me for what i show them
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:38 AM): i am not happy when i am liket hat
ijustwanamakeout (3:11:45 AM): i am not happy around people thatm ake me do that.
King Nixon (3:13:18 AM): i cant do it. i want to
ijustwanamakeout (3:13:31 AM): yeah
ijustwanamakeout (3:13:33 AM): you will one dya
ijustwanamakeout (3:13:38 AM): with people you are really comfortbale around.
ijustwanamakeout (3:13:42 AM): then they will be your friennnds
ijustwanamakeout (3:13:43 AM): 4life
ijustwanamakeout (3:13:44 AM): :-)
King Nixon (3:14:17 AM): its nothing to do with the people i'm around
King Nixon (3:14:22 AM): i'm fucked up. id ont know what happend
ijustwanamakeout (3:15:40 AM): yo just need to find yourself
ijustwanamakeout (3:15:44 AM): and be comfortbale with yourself
ijustwanamakeout (3:15:54 AM): then you will be fine around other people
King Nixon (3:15:57 AM): i dont know how
King Nixon (3:16:21 AM): i dont know how to find myself or even look for myself or anything. i'm jus tlost
ijustwanamakeout (3:16:47 AM): yeah
ijustwanamakeout (3:16:52 AM): well i'd say dont look
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:00 AM): just go with your first impulse
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:03 AM): and follow your consicence
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:06 AM): and you will find yourself
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:08 AM): if that makes sense
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:13 AM): dont change yourself of htink
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:16 AM): or think rather
ijustwanamakeout (3:17:17 AM): just be
King Nixon (3:17:35 AM): i cant be and not think. thinking is me
King Nixon (3:17:50 AM): im just a ball of think
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:06 AM): yeah
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:07 AM): well stop
King Nixon (3:18:11 AM): HOW
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:16 AM): dont hold back
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:20 AM): if you want to do or say something
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:21 AM): say it
King Nixon (3:18:32 AM): i WNAT TO but i cant
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:33 AM): before your mind goes "oh they might not think that is funny or oh that is stupid"
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:37 AM): just try it
ijustwanamakeout (3:18:38 AM): idiot.
King Nixon (3:18:53 AM): andy i try
King Nixon (3:18:53 AM): i cant
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:28 AM): you can
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:32 AM): you are just holding back too much.
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:36 AM): i dont know what else to say
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:39 AM): because anyone can.
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:47 AM): i always held back
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:53 AM): then i came to college and said fuck it
ijustwanamakeout (3:19:58 AM): these people dont know me, i am going to be me
ijustwanamakeout (3:20:01 AM): if they dont like it, oh wel.
ijustwanamakeout (3:20:10 AM): and look now, i have so many great friends
ijustwanamakeout (3:20:19 AM): who like me for who i am, and respect me and love me for who i am
ijustwanamakeout (3:20:25 AM): not for what i think they want me to be
King Nixon (3:22:00 AM): i dont try to bewhat peole want. id otn know what anyone wants, ic ant read people
King Nixon (3:22:03 AM): i'm just afraid
King Nixon (3:22:04 AM): i dont know
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:23 AM): well then i dont know what to say
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:28 AM): other than that you fear what you do not know
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:34 AM): and you have to face it
King Nixon (3:22:34 AM): I DONT KNWO ANYTHING
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:41 AM): dude
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:44 AM): who cares what people want
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:51 AM): doing what people want isn't going to make you happy
ijustwanamakeout (3:22:53 AM): doing what you want will
King Nixon (3:23:12 AM): thats what i saying. i'm not trying to dow hat people want. i avhe on idea what people want. thats nothign to do with it
King Nixon (3:23:26 AM): i dont know i dont know
ijustwanamakeout (3:23:37 AM): well i can't say anything else
ijustwanamakeout (3:23:47 AM): other than i just do what feels right, and i dont care abuot anything else.
ijustwanamakeout (3:23:54 AM): i dont do what it is easy or fun, i do what is right
ijustwanamakeout (3:23:56 AM): if that makes sense.
King Nixon (3:24:56 AM): im sorry
King Nixon (3:24:59 AM): i didnt mean to do this
King Nixon (3:25:04 AM): i was happy an hr ago. waht the fuck
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:22 AM): ahaha
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:23 AM): do what?
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:29 AM): i dont mind talking to you
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:40 AM): i am just reading websites on sex postions and talking to you
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:42 AM): i hope i am helping
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:46 AM): thats realy all i care about
ijustwanamakeout (3:25:51 AM): if i am upsetting you i'll just shutup.
King Nixon (3:25:57 AM): youre not upsteting me
King Nixon (3:26:01 AM): youre helpign as much as nyone would
King Nixon (3:26:02 AM): i dontkw
King Nixon (3:26:05 AM): i dont have anything new to say
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:08 AM): yeah
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:12 AM): well its frustrating
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:15 AM): and you dont konw how to change it
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:20 AM): i just say dont hold back.
King Nixon (3:26:20 AM): ive talked about everything i can and nothing ahppens and i just feel worse
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:26 AM): just dont hold back
King Nixon (3:26:27 AM): i dotn want to hold back
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:28 AM): thats all i say
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:30 AM): wel then dont.
King Nixon (3:26:35 AM): i cant not
King Nixon (3:26:36 AM): i dont know how
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:37 AM): jump in
King Nixon (3:26:42 AM): i dont know hot
King Nixon (3:26:43 AM): w
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:44 AM): dont sit and dangle your feetin the water
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:47 AM): FUCKING TALK MORE
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:51 AM): and meet new people
ijustwanamakeout (3:26:55 AM): just walk up to people and talk to them
ijustwanamakeout (3:27:00 AM): it is scary at first but it doesn't matter.
ijustwanamakeout (3:27:02 AM): you get over it.
King Nixon (3:27:05 AM): andy its not that simple
King Nixon (3:27:11 AM): if i could just fukin do it i would do it
ijustwanamakeout (3:27:59 AM): no
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:00 AM): everyone can
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:09 AM): its like getting into water
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:14 AM): you can either wade in really slow and be cold
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:16 AM): or just jump in
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:17 AM): get uesd to it
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:18 AM): and be fine
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:27 AM): i can't is a stupid saying
ijustwanamakeout (3:28:32 AM): yo ucan do anything you want if you just let yourself./
King Nixon (3:29:48 AM): I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET MYSELF
ijustwanamakeout (3:30:04 AM): well i dont know what to tell ya
ijustwanamakeout (3:30:07 AM): other than just let yourself
ijustwanamakeout (3:30:14 AM): there isn't a kwnoing how
ijustwanamakeout (3:30:18 AM): its a descision
ijustwanamakeout (3:30:20 AM): that you make
King Nixon (3:30:29 AM): in the end, thats all anyone really tells me. i tell myself that. i already know. but i cant do it. so thers nothing to do
ijustwanamakeout (3:31:11 AM): if thats your mindset then you are doomed to being silent dan forever
ijustwanamakeout (3:31:15 AM): and there is nothing that i may say
King Nixon (3:37:18 AM): i think im better now
King Nixon (3:37:21 AM): i blew my nose a lot
King Nixon (3:37:27 AM): it was runny
ijustwanamakeout (3:37:42 AM): haha
ijustwanamakeout (3:37:44 AM): alright
ijustwanamakeout (3:37:47 AM): wel i guess i'm gonna hit the hay
ijustwanamakeout (3:37:50 AM): have a good sleep
ijustwanamakeout (3:37:51 AM): feel better
ijustwanamakeout (3:37:58 AM): you are a good person whether you do not talk or not.
ijustwanamakeout (3:38:00 AM): later dude.
King Nixon (3:38:02 AM): thank you andy
King Nixon (3:38:03 AM): good night
ijustwanamakeout (3:38:08 AM): anytime pal.
ijustwanamakeout signed off at 3:38:11 AM.
np: rolling stones - hot rocks 1964-1971 disc 1 - 11 - ruby tuesday
|Date:||September 22nd, 2002 01:26 am (UTC)|| |
I've always envied people who can just walk up to total strangers and get involved in a conversation. I can't even do that with people I've known for a few days, sometimes longer. Just about every friend I've ever had, I've met through another friend, with the exception of a few who were very outgoing and made an effort to get to know me. I moved here with a couple friends in '93, and mase no new friends (other than some vague acquaintances at work) by the time they moved out in early '96. Until I met Mike in late '97, my entire social life consisted of talking to people at work, then coming home to my dog and staying on IRC for hours and hours. And really, Mike and I didn't get along that great in the beginning. I was his boss and just training him to replace me when I got moved to the office. It wasn't until several months later when Tom suggested the three of us go out to a bar together, that we really started hanging out, and now he's still the only real friend I have here.
|Date:||September 22nd, 2002 09:12 am (UTC)|| |
It's Not Easy
Woody, I know you. I don't you as well as some people do, but I do have at least a vague idea. I think you are who you want to be, but not 100%. I'm sure you know the Rock, the wrestler. He's always said that his in-ring personality is just himself turned up as high as he can. You're kinda' like that. I see "Woody" as being a tweaked version of Dan. You don't do things you don't want, you listen to music you like, etc. But you have a constant, constant fear that people will reject you for this. We haven't rejected you yet, and we (at least I) have no plans to. It's a tough process, learning to be comfortable with yourself. I've been working on it for at least 5 years, and I still am working on it.
The biggest thing I've done to help myself is to try to disable my early warning system. If I want to say something, somewhere between my brain and my mouth it stops and goes through a screen. If I think it's dumb, it doesn't come out. I had to ignore that screen. It's very hard. Your brain tells you "Don't say that, it's dumb and they'll laugh at you" and you essentially have to say "FUCK YOU, BRAIN!!!" and just say it. It's like learning to not trust yourself almost. Look at is this way: Your brain is YOUR brain. If something pops into your head, you should probably say it. And it's one thing if it'll get you into trouble or cause undue harm to someone, but for the most part it just has to be done. If you think of a joke, say it. If you want to ask a girl out, just fuckin' DO IT.
Here's the bottom line: You have a good foundation for who you want to be. But you haven't built any walls yet. You need the little things to complete yourself and be comfortable with yourself. It's not easy, but it's not impossible.
geez. i never think about what I'm saying or doing. I just spill to people the second I meet them. I like everyonbe I'm too loud and I'm so obnoxious. I'd rather be more reserved then this big annoying piece of shit.