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September 27th, 2002

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05:18 pm - rocket to the moon
so i don't know how dara feels about me. if she does. la. i dont even know how i feel about her. by which i mean i want to fuck her and try to rationalize it as a romantic attraction. which it may very well may be as well, but still. mainly i want to fuck her. or someone. i just should. it's been too long and too frustrating and too stupid and my brain is drowning in fantasy. i'm shocked i can function.
so what would be wrong with it? go hit up some frat sluts? why not? fuck morality, there's nothign to wait for. it's cake after a hershey bar. or some other bullshit metaphor. EVERYTHING IS RATIONALIZED LATER. IT DOESNT MATTER. do what makes sense, adn you only know that by what feels like it makes sense. the world has fallen out of orbit; flee to china.
but anyway, this is neither here nor there. dara.. it's that one smile. i think that was the only time. she just smiled at me a second longer than felt sociable. like she meant it. oh god i want her to mean it. is that really it? that cant be it. fuck. so yeah, that vs a lot of nonresponse and nonversation and walking away while we're talking and she's a fucking great catch. she said so. i believe her. maybe she'd be happy if i asked. she's not likely to scream and run away. the worst that happens is nothing. always. the best is fucking a lot. and why not ask geoff or jake? they know her. theyre insiders, yo. and i do think theyd want us to get together if it was an option. so yeah, fighters in my corner and shit. but talking to them would be even harder than talking to her, i suspect. now what the fuck is that? why would that make even a damn shred of sense. peopel like people, they arent gonna think anything. and who cares? mostly i dont wnat them to watch me with a different eye. see how i act around her. or how i DONT ACT. dont wanna look like a pussy. heaven forbid. it's pitiful. shoudlnt matter anyway, and even if it does, not THIS MUCH GUFKDCNWEUHGWUEGH. so i dont know. i guess i should talk to them. by which i mean geoff, cuz i like talking to him more he's easier to talk to

how much do i trust the private security? why not keep it on my comp? because this is easier. THIS is my journal. and screw you, i want it complete. so F this S in the A. another uncompleted fantasy. they all are. EVERY GIRL I FUCKING KNOW ITS ABSURD. i want everyone. and it never happens. it drives me insane. i never do anything. gee, iw onder if thats related. gee. gee whiz. forgodssake

I POST YOU!!!!!!
np: Smash Mouth - Do It Again ( Steely Dan Cover )

(en garde!)

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