June 7th, 2001
|03:12 am - stop me from feeling what i'm feeling now -silverchair|
i've been using this thing just to record my daytoday life. that's not bad, i'm not faulting it, but it isn't what i wanted this for. i want to use this damn thing to work out what i'm feeling and thinking, something i'm not very good at. i think too much, simply. i think about what i'm feeling and i think about what i'm thinking and i think about what i'm thinking about what i'm thinking and feeling, and i can't tell which is which. i have no idea how i feel a lot of times, simply because i don't know what i was feeling and what i thought i should feel or might have felt or something.
i tend to think in conversations, i'm not sure why. like, i won't just think something, i'll think it in terms of saying it, maybe to myself, maybe to someone else, maybe someone saying it to me. it may not seem like there's a lot of differece between just thinking something and thinking of saying it to yourself, but there really is, in the effect of it.
let me interrupt myself a moment. i don't know how most peopel think, i've never really thought to ask anyone (hey everyone, respond and say how you think, i'm curious), but as i said i do it like conversation. it's somewhere between writing a story and having a daydream. you know i have to make a conscious effort to have happy daydreams, how fucked is that? if i just let my mind wander, it will start wonderfully then take a bad turn somewhere, like the girl suddenly says she hates me and runs off crying. no reason for it, even. i don't know. the girl isn't anonymous of course, but i don't know who reads this thing, and why stir up trouble. but anyway, i'm off subject. so it's somewhere between writing a story and daydreaming, my thoughts. i write somewhat off the cuff, i don't plan stories out ahead of time (generally. there's an exception to everything), i just write hte scene adn see how it plays out, adn see what inspiration strikes me for what should happen next. it seems to work well enough. the point of this mini distraction is simply that comparing it to writing doesn't make it deliberate, i'm not planning my thoughts ahead of time (brick wall brick wall [10 points if you know this reference]), but at the same time it is somewhat scripted. i'll spot something i like, or somethign i want to say/think, and i'll go back a moment in my thoguhts and adjust it, then let things go again. this more often when i'm imagining a convesation w/ someone else. this still, bear in mind, being my thoughts, not just a daydream. i'll have myself saying these huge monologues, totally unlike how i normally talk, which is very responsive and building off the other person (i imagine thats all related, but i'm not gonna bother).
anyway, this is entirely too much detail for hte point. i was just saying that my thoughts aren't just the words, if i want a sandwich it's not just "i want a sandiwch" it's me saying in my head "hey i think i'll have a sandwich". not hearing voices, i'll interject, just in case. that's not true, i don't think - for somethign that simple i probly do just think it, i dunno - but i wanted to give an example. it works. so when i'm actually thinking of something, i'm thinking of myself thinking it, which is a level of distance that confuses things. i have little built-in responses to the world that always pop up (this is a type of psychology, i forget what it's called.. that your emotions are not actally your 1st response to the world, but your response to the way you think about the world. it's somewhat unromantic, but i think it makes sense). if i do something dumb it wasnt' just, hey i did a dumb thing, i'm dumb. that's a classic for stupid ways to react to the world, i know, but its' instinct at this point.
have you ever objectively known somethign to be one way, but felt a different way? i'm like that all the time. i can think and know what's going on to be one thing and here's what to do and fine, but i'll feel totally off. like everything's going wrong and it's all bad and everyone hates me and it makes no sense. that's the thing, it makes no sense. i know it doesnt, which makes it even stupider.
none of this is what i'd planned to say. walking back to my room, i had a few things i wanted to write in here tonite, and i've completely lost track of them. i do that a lot. i watched the biography of rupaul tonite (actually i was flipping between that and millenium). weird. just think about this guy's life - he built a career out of being a gay black 7 foot crossdresser. not just as a centerpiece, it's a real career - he's an actor (actress?), singer, talk show host, model. that's amazing. and fact of the nite: according ot hte show, he doesn't stuff his bras. those are push up bras, pushing up his chest muscles. that seems ridiculous, somehow. maybe if i had chest muscles i could do a comparison adn shove them around, but i'm too scrawny. someone buff, try it out and see if you can make them into boobs.
anywya, as i was saying.. i don't know.. i think i'm about done writing for tonite, i'm running out of words. but i really havent said anything i wanted to. this is so frustrating sometimes, i can't focus. i really have no motivation. i can't make myself do the simplest things, things i WANT to do. i mean, if you avoid doing something you dont wanna do, fine you're lazy. it's not good, but it's dealable. but when you avoid things you want to do, waht the fuck is that? not avoid, thats not the word. i just don't do it. shit, i barely even read email anymore. i've wanted to start tryign to record myself playign guitar onto the computer so i can put it into acid and maybe make some actual songs out of it. i haven't done it. i havent even tried. i've played guitar twice since i got back from school. last nite, i saw a practice for dave/eli/godbout/dave proulx/taht drummer kid whose name i don't know's metal band. theyre fucking good. i'm constantly amazed at the talent of my friends. all i can compare them to is mudvayne crossed with mr bungle. meanwhile, what am i doing? i want to be a musician maybe, i never play, i never write songs. fine. i want to be a writer, that i think is really waht i want. i never write. i have so many ideas i haven't touched, so many i've started and dropped. i haven't done anything in awhile. i can't remember the last time i wrote something worthwhile that wasnt for a class. even for the class, i don't do it for the grade, really. i do it because i'd be embarassed not to have done it. i dont want to walk into class and have to say i didnt do the paper. i dont care about these people a bit, but i'm terrified they might think me foolish for 20 seconds. what the fuck.
millenium was interesting tonite.. i used to watch taht show all the time, but i havent seen it much at all for a few years now. this episode was a guy on death row for killing his family. he confessed to it, he's adament he did it, adn he wants to be punished for it, because he's 'taking responsibility'. so frank is investigating, and long story short, the guy's wife killed her kids then herself. he found them all right before she killed herself, and the last thing she said was that it's his fault cuz he cheated on her once, a few years ago. she couldnt hvae her children living in a world full of adulterers. i've probly destroyed it telling it like this, but it was good. not one of hte better episodes, but it was effective enough.
you know, some poeple couldve done this post in like 3 lines. it woudlnt've been so cluttered and confused. angel would've made it a pretty poem. billiam would've drawn a picture or something. i just talk too much.
now, if you're talkin to me and i'm all chipper n whatnot, don't think i'm covering up. in a way, i suppose i am, but mostly i am happy more than not, i think. it's like this is all going on underneath, or off to the side. my mom asks me sometimes if i'm depressed. still depressed, rather. she wants to know if i'm all better. i'll usually say i'm alot better. which is true, i'm alot better than i was. i think she comes off thinking that i'm a-ok happy now. i probly lead her to that somewhat. she's very very concerned taht i end up her normal well-adjusted son, it's very important for her. understandable, i suppose, with my brother and all. but it's a burden sometimes. i probably shouldve gone to a psych a few years before i did, because i was afraid to tell my parents cuz i didnt want to hurt my mom. not that the psych did any good or anything, but still. it's funny, i finally manage to get there, talk to these people.. talking does no good, they give me drugs that make me worse. so i say fuck it, and i'm where i started. and i get better on my own, for no resaon. i just started feeling better. and i do. which is confusing now.. at least then, i knew how i felt. i felt i sucked. now i'm not sure. it's what i was saying before about feeling one way and knowing the other (thats why i brought it up actually, but i went offtrack).. i can sit there thinking i suck, and then come back (like i said, i think conversationally) with no i dont, i'm a good guy. and i am, i know that. in some ways, i'm a really good friend. i'm a nice person, fundamentally. i'm smart, which certainly has its good points. but that doenst change anything. i dont feel less sucky for thinking that. i just get confused, cuz i dont know which, if either, is really how i feel. i'm talking to myself, but i dont think it's like i'm split, i just don't know whihc if either is really what i'm thinking and which is just a response cuz i trained myself to respond in certain ways.
my eyes are doing weird things right now. the screen looks very small, like postage stamp sized. i used to get taht alot, but it went away for awhile. it's no harder to see, things arent scrunched up or anything, it's just all shrunk, like looking at it thru a microscope or something. ok, i just took off my glasses to see if it was still there - of course it wasnt, cuz everything was too out of focus to see anyway, and when i put htem back on it's fine now. but weird. i used to get that more often, it's interesting. probly from looking at the screen too long, is all i can think. i got it on the tv occasioanlly too. i dunno. anyway, i'm going to bed now. goodnite everybody. sweet dreams.
state: oh, and i'm still coughing. wtf
np: garbage - sleep
Ooh viva extremely long posts. Well, I think that we all think very similarly. I don't think "nee food" whenI'm hungry, I think "wow, I neeed somethig to eat, yo." Or something along those lines. I have convos with myself in my head all the time so I think it's pretty normal.