April 9th, 2003
|01:56 am - hang out with yourself|
well you can start the "i told you so"s now, then. i was warned, but i didnt care, once again i thought i would be able to fix things and deal with things that are far beyond me. i am so fucking upset right now, adn i cant say why, which is just stupid. but it woudlnt matter if i could, i dont even know why in any way that makes sense. but i just hate everything
and i know in a couple days this will all be talked out and irrelevent like everything else i think, which almost makes it worse. this matters, even if i dont know how to say why. i never laughed when you were upset no matter what i thought of your reasons
what a stupid fucking birthday. i always have shitty birthdays. no, thats not true, they usually start out okay. but they end shitty. kinda like every other day. but at least i waited around all fucking night trying to find someone to go out and have fun with on my first night of official adulthood and coudlnt find a damn soul and the people who'd said they would didnt turn up til the middle of the damn night, and at least my room is infested AGAIN, and at least several people are steadily losing their luster which is really depressing if not unexpected.
Ya didn't do what I say today
24 hours of no wishing well
Now 365 days I'm in hell, oh well
Happy Birthday to me
np: vandals - happy birthday to me
i'm sooo fuckin sorry i'm not perfect. i don't care that this is publically posted. whatever. yeah so i kept something from you, but you know what, even though i understand why you're upset about it you have to understand how irrational it is. i realize i'm the most irrational person on the face of the earth but at least i don't then attack someone else and call them unsympathetic and ridiculing.
seriously you knew what you were getting into. and while it took two and i certainly never stopped anything, you have no right to be upset with me.
if you really feel that way, don't talk to me then and don't be my friend. i don't need that, esp. not from someone who i actually trusted. cause let me assure you, that is a rarity.
i'm sure you think i'm being sooo unreasonable about this but i'm speaking my mind for once in my life because i never do that and i know you won't hate me for it even if you disagree.
i feel like you expect me to be perfect. you're making it out like i lied to you about everything from the beginning. you knew i was in a relationship where i love the person immensely. and i fucked up and you know i fucked up. you know that what i had with you was secondary and i'm sorry that you either don't realize that or you just denied it. i care about you a lot and you mean a great deal to me but you always knew that if i fucked things up with mike so bad that it was beyond repair (as it is now) that i'd be heartbroken. i never ever lied to about that.
would you prefer i tell you i'm a slut? and the fact that i made out with you and cheated on someone i loved makes me a slut? and the thing i told you tonight makes me a slut? i mean, would that make you feel better?
seriously though if you feel that way about me....that i'm a bad person/unsympathetic/uncaring/irrational/mean/whatever the fuck else...end the friendship now. it'll suck but i don't need you thinking that about me and, conversely, the last thing i need right now is someone else i care about leaving and not talking to me. but i'd rather know than have you bullshit me and just be mean to me.
i know it's irrational! i said so at the time. but i don't think how i feel about your reaction to that is irrational. i'm not attacking you, this is me being honest. i'm not saying YOU arent sympathetic or anything, im saying in that one moment that is what i felt coming from you. something you knew would bother me, you said so right after you said it, and then when it DOES you keep trying to joke it off and saying how im being irrational and didnt have a good reason, when i admitted to both of those right off. id idnt need to be reminded 10 times. and i didnt need to keep being asked why, when i said i didnt know (which i did mean, i was thinking about that right up until i posted and IMed you when it straightened out)
i am sorry though for the 'youre one to talk'. that was uncalled for
im not arguing any of the rest of that. i DID know what i was getting into, i never thought you were lying about everything, i know all that. im not upset with you for any of that. that's not what this is about, this is this one specific thing from tonight and how you responded to it.
i understand, but i don't agree. sorry.
ps: when i say i understand, i mean i realize why you have these feelings, i respect them, and i understand where they are coming from.
however, my reaction was not uncommon for me. when uncomfortable i either run away from the situation or try and change the subject to avoid dealing with it, or i laugh and get angry about it. you've seen me exhibit both reactions. it's just who i am. i realize they aren't the best coping strategies but they're all i've got.
i really don't feel i was wrong here. so i can't apologize for reacting to you that way. i'm sorry you got hurt because of it but that's all i can really say.
if you realize your coping strategies arent good, how do you feel you did nothing wrong?
because i was well aware when i said that that you might pick up on the subtlty that i said two times and not one time, and i could have just lied to you and said "oh yeah twice last year, i forgot to tell you that?" but instead i told the truth and it's not like i really had much to feel bad about when you look at it from the outside of the situation. and i handled it the best way i know how. therefore=not wrong.
Happy birthday dan!!!
I didn't see you otherwise i would have sent you birthday wishes! cheer up hun... things will get better. but you gotta make that step towards getting there...
waaaaaaaay cute new icon jessdear!
sorry i missed your birthday danny :(
I should have given you a birthday story.
that's okay. stories are good any day of the year!
you give yourself thumbs up