so, i learned 2 things about myself. or realized them, would be more appropriate i spose. 1st, and probly less important as it goes, is that i'm not always amused when i laugh. often i will laugh at anythign that makes me happy, whether i find it particularly funny or not. not a huge laugh or anything, but, i dunno, some kind of chuckle or something. so yeah. this seems like something i might have known before now, but how often do you study when you're laughing, eh? so anyway, yeah.
2nd off, is that i give myself too many obligations. make things into obligations, rather. fencing, for example. it started as something i was interested in. i enjoyed it and kept going. mostly i went because i liked it. when i didn't really want to fence, i went because i liked the people. that shouldn't be something i feel guilty about not going to, i went because i liked it, if i have something else that needs doing, or simply that i'd rather be doing, that's fine. and of course, i haven't been in a few weeks now. at 1st, with jack and classes and everything, i was just stressed and overworked. now i'm lazy. i could go, but i'd rather sit around and find other ways to spend my time. no particular reason, i don't feel like going now. i probably will next year. but anyway, the point was.. i feel guilty taht i'm not going now. somehow it became an obligation in my mind, that this was somethign i owe them to go to. i don't know why. maybe this isn't hte best example. but i'm rambling anyway. so, long story short, i create obligations that aren't there. this creates bad. bad is not good.