Prometheus von Cornsilk (kingnixon) wrote,
Prometheus von Cornsilk
kingnixon

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you smile like sunlight

My first husband wanted children, and when I was still barren after ten years, people told him to divorce me. My mother-in-law said to me, 'You are a tree without fruit. I want profits. Children come with labor pains, but grandchildren are pure profit.'
-isaac bashevis singer, "aunt yentel"

i want profit. i want contentment and warmth. i will be glad to have suffered labor pains, and i will suffer them steadfastly, but i am terrified to know they are silently coming. the future sometimes seems awful to me: seemingly infinite but bounded, inscrutable but predictable but chaotic, always just out of reach.
i know i will never get most of what i want in life. i only hope that what i get to replace them with are enough.

i read a story once, i forget the name but that's okay cuz it wasn't really that great, but it was about a man who trades his soul to the devil for a magic watch. this watch, what it can do is, at any moment the man feels that he has achieved perfect happiness in his life, he just unwinds the watch and time will freeze for him at that moment. his future ends, and he remains in a perfect placid present.
of course, no matter how happy he got at any point, he always thought that just maybe he will be a little happier soon and he shoudln't waste the watch too early. he kept thinking that and kept waiting, right until he died and the devil (who of course knew all along that this is what would happen, because he knows us more honestly) showed up to claim the soul he owed. in the end, he tricked the devil, but that is neither here nor there; we have no magic watches, we have only time bringing us steadily into an empty space that we fill. first with our thoughts, then with ourselves, until it is dropped and we move on. i want to fly out to meet it, i want to know what i am rushing towards so i can enjoy my time getting there. there is nothing worse to me than waiting without even knowing why.
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