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November 30th, 2004

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02:14 am - love me, love me sweet cowardice
so i was writing a nice little post about my nice little day, when i wrote this paragraph too. i will finish the rest of it up tomorrow i guess, if i care, but here is this, cuz this is the only part that actually mattered:

alex also put the fear of god into me. only instead of god, it was of law school. he seems to be under the entirely correct impression that i dont know what i'm getting myself into. which i kinda knew, but not for reals until he was talking about it. apparently he is close personal friends with half of texas' stock of lawyers somehow. but yeah, so now i need to give law some research or clerking or interning or whatever the hell i'm supposed to do to find out what it's like. or i could just shriek and run away, which i kindof want to do right now. but shit, then what? half the appeal of this plan was that it was a fucking plan. i don't know what ot do with myself. i mean, yeah i know nobody knows what they want to be when they grow up, my dad says he still doesnt know what he wants to be when he grows up, but while he's waiting to figure it out he went and got a career that he likes. and fuck, there's nothing i even want to do short-term. i jumped on this because it was somethjing, and if i decide maybe it wasnt a great idea after all, like i seem to do with all my brilliant plans, then what the fuck is there for me? i could keep working at the newington mall, i could go to ny and fetch coffee and donuts at a publishing house, i could get some stupid job doing stupid things i hate. but shit, i need to pay rent and buy food. i've survived the universe so far by coasting and now there's nothing left to coast, i have to actually steer somewhere and i don't know where to go. i know it doesnt really matter what i choose in the long run, i can chnge my mind and start over, i just have to choose something, whatever, but there's nothing i even want to tentatively investigate that isn't just stupid. what do i do? i'm honestly scared right now, sitting here typing this, scared. i've gotten this far on the blind assumption that life seems to occur whether we expect it to or not, and that i would stumble into something or discover something or be led to something because that's how it always seemed to work for all the adults i know. things happen. but shit, if i'm not hit by a bus tomorrow with a sign on it for a great job, i need to start actively DOing something. SOMETHING.

and now i will go to bed and hopefully not still be having a breakdown in the morning. when i get up at 9am for my stupid mall job.
state: anxiousanxious
np: Verve Pipe - Hero

(11 shots upside the head | en garde!)


[User Picture]
Date:November 30th, 2004 07:39 am (UTC)
:) *Hugs* You'll figure it out. It's not any worse than me, questioning why the frell I'm in grad school. And my mom still thinks I'm doing 4 years of PhD after this. FAT. CHANCE.
[User Picture]
Date:November 30th, 2004 09:09 am (UTC)
change your place. those people who found something on accident usually have to take a risk first. an unfamiliar environment will help you see what's extra and what you really love, because you'll keep the latter close.
Date:November 30th, 2004 09:21 am (UTC)


Ohhh Dan. I can definitley relate to the feeling of, "What the hell am I going to do with my life?" It's really scary.....sometimes you have to work the crap menial jobs and see what's out there before you can really know what you want to do. You keep saying that your major should have been linguistics....why don't you go back to school for it? Since you were planning on going back for Law, I don't think you're opposed to the idea of more schooling....do something you love. I'm going back in the fall because I really WANT to major in English. I'm glad I took the time off that I needed. I'm always here if you need to talk....not that I ever have any good advice, but I'll always listen to you <3<3<3

cheer up jewface! have some goldschlager oatmeal. (oooh you could be a chef that makes weird food that people have to try beacuse they think it's a delicacy or something....hello you are a chef!!!)
Date:November 30th, 2004 03:01 pm (UTC)
I know EXACTLY what I want to be when I grow up. To the minute detail.
[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 05:04 am (UTC)
cool! who are you?
[User Picture]
Date:November 30th, 2004 08:03 pm (UTC)
i looked for you at your stupid mall job the other day but you weren't there.

i too will probly get a stupid mall job within the next few weeks. maybe at ritz or something.

and i find it completely unbelievable that the bookstore is going out of business.
[User Picture]
Date:November 30th, 2004 11:14 pm (UTC)

you are not alone

and i don't mean that title as just a reference to good ol' micheal jackson...seriously, i'm graduating this year as are many of my friends and every last one of them (including even some that have a good year to go) aren't sure or are downright frightened about what the fuck to do with themselves. It's like we've been playing this bullshit game for at least the past 16 or so years of our lives aaaand now what? Soem people (myself included) decide to just stay in the school system (becomes teachers, keep studying to get that phd, become professors)...maybe cuz the rest of the world is too scary, maybe cuz they actually like that thing.
you like to write, don't you? my friend deb is moving to AZ cuz of cheap living and job opportunity just so she can kinda just chill out there and write. maybe something like that.
point is, try to relax (easier said than done, i know) cuz everyone's dealing with this......except a couple disgustingly motivated schmucks, but fuck those fuckers
Date:December 7th, 2004 09:39 am (UTC)
I have to say I am glad sexy Alex put the fear of God into you, because I wasn't convinced that you were seriously committed to the actual work involved in law school... it was just the best plan you have at the moment... and I didn't want to see you miserable. It's probably better to come up with random plans that don't involve multiple years of preparation. As for the rest of this post, you are absolutely right. The evil and terrifying post-graduation abyss is right in front of us and we're sitting there, waiting for the perfect opportunity-- which we will magically recognize when it falls in our lap. It ain't gonna happen. Probably less than 1% of people in the world have figured out a way to get paid to do things they love to do. It's a quest and we're used to procedures. We need some jumping-off points. That first step.

[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 05:02 am (UTC)
it's STILL the best plan i have, though..
Date:December 7th, 2004 09:49 am (UTC)
btw, you're still a brilliant kid, and one of my best friends. this is all scary precisely because you have so much potential-- you just don't know what to do with it. That's way better than actually sucking at life and being content plodding along.

[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)
thank you :)

but, see, the thing is i would rather be content.

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