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January 31st, 2005


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05:47 pm - "This story was dull and boring, so I didn't pay attention when I read it."
things i learned today by scoring 8th grade reading comprehension tests:
* "Never take a fat kid hiking."
* if you go hiking in heels, you will trip, fall backwards, and die. [tripping almost always causes one to die, or at least to break a bone. also, running inevitably leads to tripping]
* don't step on a loose rock, or you will roll down the mountain. also, the rock may fall off the mountain and hit people standing next to the mountain.
* children are not capable of doing anything on their own, including going to the bathroom or eating blueberries, because "they do not know what they do".
* being outside will murder you. anything and everything nature-related should be feared and avoided.
* children should never go anywhere alone. they also should never be in groups of greater than 5, "because they will play." [apparently playing is bad. they didn't say why, but i assume it will cause you to trip and fall and die]
* mt monadnock is absolutely infested with snakes.
* in 1820, wolves were eating the local farmers' sheep, so the farmers decided to SET THE MOUNTAIN ON FIRE. this killed off all the wolves, along with everything else on the top part of the mountain. it will be thousands of years before enough new soil builds up for trees to grow back in. [this one is actually true! though the kids seem to think it is an ongoing event]
* "Everything will be OK, because the book said everything will be OK."

i was honest-to-god warned against squirrels, chipmunks, and blueberries. they were saying how it's dangerous to go anywhere alone and you should always stay in your group and hold hands with your partner. these kids are in EIGHTH GRADE. if someone had told me that when i was in 8th grade, i would've been furious. i cannot even begin to imagine the worldview of these kids. they sound absolutely petrified of the outdoors. what do they think it's like out there? i am horrified on their behalf. what are they being taught? what a shitty thing to do to someone's childhood.
oh yes, and most of them got 1 point out of 4, because we are supposed to give a score of 1 for personal opinions not backed up by the text, and i guess thinking blueberries are poisonous and squirrels are possessed of hellfire count as opinions. the fat kid answer was given a 0 though, despite being one of the few vaguely reasonable answers we got. the subjectline also got a 0, despite clearly being the most intelligent answer. someone who is smart enough to know this is a useless article on a useless test, and is ballsy enough to follow through with that, is gonna go far. or get shot, i dunno.

disclaimer: the above list is - in my opinion - hilarious. at first i could barely read them, i was laughing so hard. why it started bothering me so much was how damned consistent it was. by the time you get the 100th kid talking about how rocks equal tripping equal death, you start wondering how much fun these kids ever manage to have. though i suppose they're all too busy playing grand theft auto and having sex and doing drugs to go outside. each generation has its own forms of amusement.

Father Guido Sarducci on the Five Minute University

a short angry history of american forced schooling by john gatto, former NY state teacher of the year

ALSO, reading all these damn things made me want to hike mt monadnock. i've been near it countless times, and hiked partway a few times, but i've never gone all the way up. when the world is less frozen, who wants in?
np: Marc Bolan - Rarities Vol 2 - 01 - Liquid Gang

(13 shots upside the head | en garde!)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:ninjer
Date:January 31st, 2005 11:11 pm (UTC)
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A BOY AND HIS BLOB!

God I loved to hate that game.
[User Picture]
From:ashootingstar
Date:January 31st, 2005 11:39 pm (UTC)
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i think we all did..



i wish i could go back and take one of thoes over again... id put something like..


"i didnt read this cause i dont care. this doesnt reflect on me so i didnt do it. please do not penalize the school because i dont give a shit, its my fault not theirs, thank you"
[User Picture]
From:idadebeautreux
Date:February 1st, 2005 05:20 pm (UTC)
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oh, man, taking some of those standardized tests again would be great. I grew up in New York, so we had the wonderful Board of Regents exams each year. Those were just awesome.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 4th, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC)
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what i love is that schools couldn't even pass the regents so they made them EASIER across the board. it was pathetic.
[User Picture]
From:idadebeautreux
Date:February 4th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
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Ooh, actually, it was they made them "harder" and twice as long and then to compensate dropped the passing grade to 55. Um, yeah standards.

I was in the first class to take the 6 hour English regents instead of the 3-hour one and it was pathetically easy; I was done in 3 hours anyway. This one was supposedly more difficult, but I breezed through it and still got a 98 or something like that. The regents exams were such a joke. I think my worst was Math 2 at like, a 92.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 7th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC)
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i was also in the 6 hour english regents. i finished it in record time.

they made them easier across the board. my mom was on the board for revising them. making them harder was just some bullshit they told the students so they'd feel good about themselves.

trust me, they made them even more pathetically easy.
From:sillypoot
Date:February 1st, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)
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being outside will murder you. anything and everything nature-related should be feared and avoided.

This is definitley the best answer ever.

I've always wanted to hike monadnock, so I will hike with you. It will be funnnnn

[User Picture]
From:bertho
Date:February 1st, 2005 11:25 am (UTC)
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I'd hike with you, but I'm too afraid of dying.
[User Picture]
From:madeleine
Date:February 4th, 2005 03:03 am (UTC)
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The blueberries might get you.
[User Picture]
From:idadebeautreux
Date:February 1st, 2005 05:19 pm (UTC)
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OMG, those are the funniest answers EVER. That's what I would have written if I'd been in about 3rd grade. But 8th? What the hell? "Let's mollycoddle the future generations so when they grow up and hit the real world, they will have no clue how to cope with anything difficult because mommy and daddy always paved the way for them and made it easy." And we wonder why we've got people going insane with guns in their hands.

But now I know that all of nature is inherently evil and should be scoured from the face of the earth. WTF?

I hiked Mt. Monadnock on Labor Day back in September. I didn't see a single snake. I should sue.
[User Picture]
From:nemesis6669
Date:February 1st, 2005 06:38 pm (UTC)
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holy moly. man when i was little i used to love being outside. hikes in the woods were something i look foward to. and now people wonder why kids are overweight. ::shakes head::
[User Picture]
From:crawl27
Date:February 2nd, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC)
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i'll go hiking with you dan!


even though i'm not really an outdoors type person at all. i think it'd be fun.
[User Picture]
From:kingnixon
Date:February 12th, 2005 08:47 pm (UTC)
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haha i'm not either, don't worry

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