i am a heretical relativist. the "and because all points of view are valid and equal, we must respect everyone's ideas even if we don't agree" clauses that people like to tack on relativism castrate its ability to say anything remotely interesting about anything. your point of view is valid and equal, but i have no acces to it so i don't care.
so at work, we were grading this utah standardized test. apparently in utah schools they have this thing called a citizenship grade, where basically you get a seperate grade in each class for how good your attendance is, how respectful you are to teachers, etc. so anyway, on the test, the kids have to write an essay, and the topic is whether they would support a new policy in their school that would base whether or not kids can go to extracuricular activities (dances, sports games, etc) on how well they do in their citizenship.
something like 70% of the responses i read were from asshole mormon jackboot thugs who pretty much say that they support the policy because anyone who is not as respectful and well-behaved as they are has not earned these 'priviledges'. some of them actually say kids with bad grades "don't deserve fun", or that anyone who doesn't agree with this policy is causing trouble and should be punished. i want to punch these kids in the throat, i got so pissed off reading some of these. their logic does get pretty wonderful sometimes though. there are a lot that follow the general pattern of 'anyone who does not have good citizenship grades obviously does not respect others, and if they don't behave properly in the classroom they probably don't anywehre else either, so if we [these kids always say we, like they have any part in this decision] let them attend a football game and our team loses they will probably get really angry and punch people. so we should not let them attend.' this derailed train of thought is astoundingly common. i had one that was wicked detailed though, it was awesome. something like "[blah blah they will probably get really angry and..] punch some guy in the face as hard as he can, and then he will be thrown out of the game, and he will wait in the parking lot and when that kid comes out he will steal his bag and throw it in the trash and spit on it. if he does this, it's probably because he did it at school too." i was waiting for him to give names and dates, but no luck.
OH AND the alltime greatest thing of all time. one kid, in the middle of an otherwise normal essay, suddenly busts out with this: "By the Hammer of Thor, I will chew up this misguided policy and do everything in my power to spit it into the chilly crosshairs of traffic." i swear to god, it said that. i OMGWTFed and laughed for like 10 minutes. i also gave him an excellent score. that is half the reason this job has not yet made me give up all hope on the youth of america.
 charming that utah defines a good citizen as someone who obeys authority without question or dissent, no? if you talk back to your teacher, the terrorists win
 the other 30% mostly talk about how unfair and random the citizenship grades are, because teachers can pretty much assign them for whatever they want (there is an official definition of what it's supposed to be, but of course it's terminally vague and unquantifiable). each teacher gets to invent their own criteria, and they can base it on whatever they feel like since there's no accountability on it. some do it all on attendence, some by class participation, some by your actual grade, some presumably by your star sign and the phases of the earth in the lunar calendar, i dunno. but yeah, totally a good system.
 which, if i haven't mentioned, does not currently exist. we're on hiatus until the 21st or so. so if anyone wants to hang out or roadtrip or elope, now is the time!