October 10th, 2007
|06:13 am - do i dare disturb the universe?|
i am so afraid to express needs, or wants. i am so afraid to act. i am so afraid to leave marks. i am so afraid to want what someone doesn't want to give. i am a giant shoulder. i want to be everyone's best friend. i am a calm comfortable considerate passive presence and i hope this makes me not inconvenience anyone. i make myself so very small.
this all soudns like i am contradicting my poll choices from before, and i guess i somewhat am, but then somewhat not. because this isn't from me. it's like some alien landed on my head and burrowed in and mummified me. i feel like i'm under one of those thick tarps that go over unused pools. i can move around under the tarp and sort of make myself seen and do stuff, but it's muffled. and sometimes the tarp gets really heavy and pushes me down into the pool underwater so it looks like there's nothing there. and i'll stop with this metaphor now before it starts to sound even stupider. but i have no idea WHY i feel this way, why i'm afraid to extend myself into the world. i don't know if i'm avoiding something, or expecting something, or repressing something, or just naturally like this, or what. it's just there.
i know it's stupid to get all worked up from reading a book. and i know it's stupid to post a babbling blargh of my Big Realizations when i am just going to wake up tomorrow and decide they're stupid. i do that a lot -- realize things and then later dismiss them. i don't know if i confuse myself for awhile or if i deny it later or, more likely, if i am contradictary and complex like everything else. i guess i do know, then, because that sounds right. but anyway, so i finished the perks of being a wallflower tonight, after starting it yesterday. it's really good, but made me really sad and lonely, in much the same way catcher in the rye and punch drunk love and probably other things i am not thinking of right now do. not because of what goes on in the stories, per se, but because of how much i can see myself in the main characters. or see them in me, or whatever. as perks was going on and it became more clear that the narrator was fairly disturbed, i was annoyed because i thought it would be better to read about a more normal average person that people would relate to more, since it was a fairly traditional coming-of-age type thing. but then i continued to relate to him anyway.
(by the way, i realize i am writing like him now. that's not because of anything that's part of this; whenever i read a lot of something, i absorb its voice for awhile. also, i will just say, without revealing anything, that i hated the end. the book was wrapping up so well, and then he just had to throw in an explanatory psycho-style trauma that didn't even really attempt to explain anything and just muddied things up needlessly).
the way i've explained it to some people today is that these books and movies and such get to me because it's like seeing myself really depressed from the outside, so i can really see how damaged i am and how much of my life is wasted on that. the protagonists in these all seem crazy, and i suppose they all are, but not because of how they seem. how they seem is how they act, which is the coping mechanism for how they actually feel, which they all seem pretty similar inside and pretty similar to me. punch drunk love guy copes by occasionally smashing shit or crying. charlie in perks copes by crying and sometimes freaking out . holden in catcher does stuff i don't remember very well, but it involves drugs and running off to ny and freaking out and like stalking some girl. how do i cope? i guess i don't really know, aside from occasionally have nights like this. do i do anything ridiculous?
none of this, of course, isn't anything i didn't already know and hadn't already talked with people about and have probably posted it before too. but this book gave it a different angle, i suppose, and i can see how much i'm hurting myself by just going with the flow, letting life carry me. so if anyone has advice on how to do otherwise, please share.
as a start-- like an hour ago, i was agitated and wandering the house, and wound up curled up on one of the couches in the livingroom. i wanted to hug someone and was considering waking somebody up, but i always feel bad waking people up. then rachel came home, so i said i was having a bad night and needed to hug someone, and did, and it was nice. and just imposing myself on her that little bit was a huge effort of will. it's not always quite this bad, but that is pretty much how i always feel. sometimes i have trouble ordering at restaurants because i can't choose, i have trouble saying i want that and not the other stuff.
anyway, i am gonna go to bed. sweet dreams, all.
oh, and things you shouldn't do:
1) worry. i'm not going to kill myself or stab people or whatever. i'm just sad and withdrawn
2) call to see how i am. i appreciate hte sentiment but i hate getting calls like that. online or in person is nice tho. hugs are nicer.
3) pay attention to any of the advertising quotes on/in perks. they seem to all be from people who read the first and last chapters and figured they got the gist.
I feel like I should say something and I can't think of anything Just Right to say, except that if we lived in the same city I would hug you all the time.
1. i liked that book too.
2. if you lived near me your life would be a nonstop hug. i would set my alarm to wake me up and go make sure you had hugs in the middle of the night. you would have to pay me or something to make me stop hugging you.
3. whenever i read a lot of something, i absorb its voice for awhile. oh, me too, never be inside my head listening to my internal monologue when i've been reading neal stephenson, unless you really like him.
before rachel came home, when i was thinking about waking someone up, you were the only one i seriously considered. if i need it again, i will go to you. and you can always wake me up, too. (or try to, at least. i am hard to wake sometimes).
hey so this post means i should call you and ask you what's wrong, right? like, repeatedly? and send you emails?? and give you a woman-shrub???