actually, on further thought, i don't care enough to write a review. i'll just share some thoughts, in convenient list format:
the damned thing / tobe hooper - to call this an adaptation of the ambrose bierce story is a big stretch (things that are from the story: invisible monster. things that aren't: everything else), and to call the plot good is a laugh, but tobe hooper knows how to make shit tense. we miss out on some mob mass-insanity action (replaced with a guy on the phone saying there's a crazy mob, and not even bothering to describe what they're doing) due to him blowing the whole effects budget on one really stupid cgi shot, but the acting is solid (especially ted raimi), the ending is bleak, and the atmosphere is set to overwhelming doom mode.
family / john landis - would have been a pretty fantastic half-hour but it got too repetitive, and the twist ending was stupid. george wendt as a serial killer is good times tho, and his interaction with his family is actually pretty interesting.
the v word / ernest dickerson - even michael ironside as a vampire couldn't redeem this crap.
sounds like / brad anderson - maybe 10 minutes of this was good. the rest wasn't even bad, just not engaging at all.
pro-life / john carpenter - further proving my theory that john carpenter is a hack, this is the unintentionally-hilarious highpoint of the season, by a mile. here, let me give you a plot summary: a) girl running through the woods. b) couple driving a car almost hit her. they randomly scoop her up into their car and drive off, which she is okay with. c) they work at an abortion clinic, assume for no apparent reason that she wants an abortion, and THEY ARE CORRECT. d) her dad (ron perlman) is a crazy pro-lifer who shoots some people, cuts open the doctor's balls and sucks them out with a vacuum. e) turns out the girl was raped by a demon. f) she sprays acid slime out of her vagina and almost blinds a nurse [ this was the funniest thing i have ever seen, btw. you know that scene in the exorcist, where she vomits on the priest? imagine that, only it happens with no warning at all, the vomit is acid slime, it looks like thick wet silly string, and it sprays copiously out of a vagina]. g) she then gives birth to a spidercrab monster baby with a normal babyhead growing out of its ass. the music that plays during the birth is priceless. she then shoots it in the head. she is a much better shot than anyone else in the episode. h) the daddy demon busts up through the floor. it encounters a few people, but due to markedly bad editing we have no idea what happens to them. it finds its dead baby, cradles the corpse gently, and walks out. END.
pelts / dario argento - we get to watch meat loaf getting a lapdance and then trying to molest the lady. he later has anal sex with her. he later peels all the skin off of his torso. this is argento's normal "looks good but is stupid" kind of project, and he's done things that look much better.
the screwfly solution / joe dante - a really good adaptation of the story, and even dispensed with the cheesy last line. the A+ of the season, if you ignore the fact that it is scifi and not horror.
valerie on the stairs / mick garris - for some reason ADDED a cheesy last line. on the other hand, it was mostly much better than clive barker's terrible treatment of a fascinating idea. plus tony todd rules, even when he's playing a Blood Fiend From Hell, and christopher lloyd rules, even when he's playing the exact same character he always plays. pretty good cinematography; this and the damned thing were the only eps where that was worth noticing.
right to die / rob schmidt - the only episode to actually unsettle me in any way, by an extremely graphic showing of a lady being treated for ridiculously bad burns. aside from this, and a great last shot, this one was mediocre.
we all scream for ice cream / tom holland - about a kind-hearted mildly-retarded icecream-selling clown who gets accidentally killed by a childhood prank and then comes back as an eeeeeevil icecream-selling clown. only in practice it was even stupider than that sounds, and the last shot was the equivalent of holding up a sign that says "boo". SPECIAL NOTE:while i was writing up this ep, i heard a knock on my door. i answered it to find this. true story.
the black cat / stuart gordon - aside from being boring and depressing, actually honest-to-god used the "and it was all a dream" ending. i thought that would've been outlawed by now. at least it had a sweet ax murder.
the washingtonians / peter medak - takes a fairly good short story with one of the best ideas i've read in years, and ruins it in every possible way short of adding a bukkake scene. and then the last scene somehow even ruins the rest of the episode.
dream cruise / norio tsuruta - normal japanese ring-style horror, including even the shambling creepy dead person. i'm always amazed that characters in these situations, when confronted by a seemingly omnipotent force, will do things like hide in the closet. you're on a small boat in the middle of the fucking ocean and you're trying to hide from an evil undead ghost with magic powers. what the fuck do you expect to accomplish? it very nearly had an incredible ending, but then wimped out. nevertheless, a pretty solid example of its lame subgenre.
overall i am amazed how bad this all was. basically aside from 3ish episodes, it was incredibly awful. i'm so confused by this. we're not talking 'some random group of stoners raises $10k and makes a shitty movie' awful, and we're not talking 'big studio fuckup pearl harbor bland crapfest' awful. this is a bunch of theoretically talented people in the horror field getting together with essentially a blank check to make a sweet show, and they do everything possible wrong.