Prometheus von Cornsilk (kingnixon) wrote,
Prometheus von Cornsilk
kingnixon

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billy passed the third grade

[ok, i originally intended this to be a private entry, but there's no particular reason for that. so i'll explain here: tonight i went to jack's "not dead" birthday party at his house. 90 bajillion people were there]
i don't even know how to explain tonite. or if there's anything to explain - i really have no connection to anyone. i don't fucking get it, all my friends i havent seen in forever, and i had nothing to say to anyone. people all around me were talking and conversing and i'm standing there with nothing. i don't know. i don't connect to anyone now, that feels really shitty.
i feel like i'm isolating myself, but i dont know what to do about it. what do you say when you have nothing to say?
laur said last night how she missed the days of the gaggle, how we all just clicked so well. back then, there were so many people i connected with, people i could just talk to. there's really no one like that now, and i don't know why. am i closing up again? it feels like whatever i do and how i react is the wrong thing to do. whatever i say is stupid, my expression is dumb or looks fake, everything wrong. i dont trust myself to interact with people properly. the one real conversation i had tonite (i chatted with a few people, but nuthin really) was with laura, and even that at a few points felt like i was desperately reachign for something to say and it must sound it.
i noticed tonight that i ball my hands into fists when i hug. i don't know what's up with that.
carter really pissed me off tonite. laura mentioned to me online the other day that he told her that nastassia and i made out. didnt happen. he said someone told him. so soon after laura arrives tonight, i'm talking to her and dave, and she says something about that, i forget why. i ask dave where he got that from, he says he still thinks it's true [somehow laura has disapeared at this point], then decides to announce it. so he yells out "hey everyone, woody made out with a girl!" claps me on the shoulders, and walks off. everyone around us cheers and asks me who it was. not having anything better to say, and feeling like a jackass, i say it was eli. then i went back inside the house again.
the loneliest place in the world is a roomful of people not talking to you.
the high point of the night, aside from talking to laura[1], was the surprise - to me, at least[2] - arrival of guinta. he's been mia since graduation, really. that was cool, we reminisced a little.. i always got along super well with him. similar sense of humor.
[1] i predict myself getting to be much better friends with her. shes' very cool and fun to talk to, i really like being around her
[2] o yeah, and no one tells me ANYthing. the only way i even knew about this party was from kathy randomly mentioning it when she dropped by at cumbys, and presumably she found out from joe. i got it 3rd generation, what the hell is that?
things i found out tonight that seemingly everyone else knew already: guinta hurt his back by attempting to zipline from his roof to his pool, that he would be showing up at jack's, that biggie is in the hospital with diabetes (beleive it or not, this is good news. at least it will force him to lead a somewhat healthy life, which he desperately needs), that people are going to toronto this week[i was supposed to go on the 1st trip, how did this never get mentioned?].
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