supdate: so it turns out that by "same-day" they actually meant "2 days from now" and this is informing me i should pick it up monday. DELIVER IT ON FUCKING MONDAY DON'T MAKE ME DO YOUR JOB I HATE YOU
on the plus side, i might possibly have maybe solved my problem. i called t-mobile and bitched at people until they agreed to my brilliant plan: i will go to a t-mobile store, buy the stupid phone myself, be credited for it on my account, cancel the ups delivery, activate the phone, and drink until my heart stops.